CENTER LINE

I hit the big 5-0 last year and I'm four days away from my 51st birthday. A lot of people say things change when you hit 50 ... you don't feel as peppy as you once did and you have a lot of health concerns.
bigjoe
Jul 25, 2010

I hit the big 5-0 last year and I’m four days away from my 51st birthday.

A lot of people say things change when you hit 50 ... you don’t feel as peppy as you once did and you have a lot of health concerns.

I don’t know what’s more annoying about watching “The Price is Right” these days — watching Drew Carey trying to imitate Bob Barker or being bombarded with all of the commercials about little motor scooters and life insurance.

I know one thing for sure — I get a lot more mail. Everybody wants a piece of an old guy. AARP is my best friend.

I think I have survived my journey into the second half-century of my life pretty well. I’ve had a few extra aches and pains, but Dr. Gottfried always is there when I need him. One thing I am certain about is the more television I watch, the more I find out. Just look at the shows and commercials — we sure do have a lot of things to worry about.

I guess this is as good a time as ever to tell the world.

I suffer from ED.

I’m etiquette deficient. OK, I said it. (What were you thinking?)

Etiquette, as it pertains to me, is this, according to Dictionary.com: etiquette, noun, rules governing socially acceptable behavior.

I don’t play by the rules.

I’m sure you have all heard about it. It’s on all of the stations.

I realized I had a problem one night while watching HGTV.

Who knew the color of socks you wear really matters? I have a hard enough time in the morning picking out a shirt that matches with my pants. I have one pair of shoes and I pick out the first pair of socks that I can find. I really don’t care.

I don’t do very well with matching colors.

My mornings go something like this. I go to the closet and check out all of my pants. I go down the line and pick out something to wear. If I stay in order I avoid wearing the same pair of pants two days in a row. My best pair of pants, of course, stays right in front (that’s the pair I would wear every day if I could).

I then pick out a shirt. My goal each day is to pick out a shirt that matches my pants.

Then comes the tough part. I have to face my wife.

“You’re not wearing that, are you,” she says.

And it’s not a question.

Shut out again.

There’s a lot of guys out there like me who really don’t care about colors.

I was in the license bureau last week picking up tags for my cars.

They ask you the color of your car, and to help they have a chart. There are different shades of the most popular colors and all you have to do is give them a number. It’s as simple as that.

My favorites are the camouflage and the final choice, which looks like the Partridge Family bus. (If you don’t know what color that is, ask your parents).

Life was so much easier in the ’70s.